My mom died when I was 13. After that point, lots of adults wanted to know “how I was really doing.” Despite it OBVIOUSLY not being possible, I would always give the same, well rehearsed answer:
“I’m fine, I swear!”
You see, I truly wanted to believe that I was a normal kid and that I was ‘strong enough’ to not need help, so I avoided. I ran. I kept busy with friends, family, sports, and school. But a girl can only do so much.
I was “I’m fine, I swear” until my dad started dating again.
I was, “I’m fine, I swear” until I started to have boy problems.
I was “I’m fine, I swear” until I got yelled at by my coach.
I was “I’m fine, I swear” until I had to stand up for myself against a rude teammate.
I was “I’m fine, I swear” until my stressed out brain made me forget an assignment.
I was “I’m fine, I swear” until a middle aged woman would give me a hug.
I was “I’m fine, I swear” until I someone would tell me a meaningful story about her.
I was “I’m fine, I swear” until I saw that other college freshmen got care packages from their moms.
I was “I’m fine, I swear” until the silence hit me at night.
I was “I’m fine, I swear” until, of course, I wasn’t. It took almost 6 years of that before admitting I needed help. I was tired of not knowing what was ‘wrong’ with me and why I was the only one I knew who had this unbelievably embarrassing (let’s remember I was a teenager) issue.
Turns out, I didn’t have a tear duct disorder like I thought I did - just massive, massive, massive amounts of unprocessed grief, anxiety, and a chronic need to be perfect.
By no means am I completely out of the woods in those areas, but I am so happy to say that my cup is no longer always on the verge of overflowing. It’s scary to think where I would’ve ended up if I never took that first step into the counselor’s office, but through God’s grace I found myself there and am proud to say that I will never say, “I’m fine, I swear” again.
Please never believe the lie that you have to do this on your own. Click here for a book that really helped me embrace this bold, new concept
Love,
Miki
