This blog was originally shared with the audience in the follow up email for Episode 3 of The Healing Half: Stepping Out of Fear.
I strongly identify as a recovering perfectionist. My counselor would agree.
But most people see my bubbly personality and equate that with happiness. Then they assume that happiness means I must be at peace, and then they cock their head in surprise when I tell them I’m feeling real low from having such a busy week. “But… you choose to do all those things, right?”
I wish ‘bubbly’ and ‘extroverted’ meant peace and happiness, I really do. But sadly those things are not as linked as society would like them to be. For me, it honestly is a daily battle to not let the spiral of worry win.
I sometimes find that trusting God and being in the moment is excruciatingly painful. Is it partly because I am the oldest child? Probably. Is it partly because my trust in God’s good promises was tainted when He allowed my mom to die? Perhaps.
Whatever the reason, I sometimes fear if one day everything I love will be taken from me. I worry that one day I will regret not doing more and be stuck in a mediocre life because I didn’t “put the hard work in” on the front end. There are countless others that zip through my head.
On these days of massive anxiety, I find myself spending hours trying to craft the perfect solution, the perfect phrase, the perfect strategy so that my “10 year plan” will be bulletproof.
It is in those wild moments when I feel detached from this earth and instead feel like I am spiraling around the dark rabbit hole that is named worry. There is nothing to hold on to, I feel so close to an answer and yet so far.
As these thoughts race, my hope dwindles - “Will I ever truly feel happy? Will I always feel a little numb?”
I listen to the lies of the modern go-getter world:
- “If you want it done right, you have to do it yourself.”
- “There’s only one person you can trust: you.”
- “Winners never quit and quitters never win.”
- “You are the only thing standing in your way.”
The cost of having the freedom to do anything is the pressure to have the freedom to do anything.
So I push. I think. I dissect. I craft - all while trying to drown out the shame inducing voice that yells, “WHY AREN’T YOU THERE, YET?”
So I work faster. Push harder. Then hopeful partners don’t call me back. My numbers drop. The scale goes up. Emails fall through the cracks, I can’t keep up. “Why isn’t this working!?” I cry as I break down from a mix of exhaustion, rejection, and hopelessness.
It is in these moments the massive amount of pressure I put on myself to make sure my life is “everything I want it to be” finally crushes it’s loyal subject.
It is in these moments that this recovering perfectionist, smashed into the floor, arms twitching, needs to hear these truths below in order to recenter.
I hope this poem (is it a poem? I’m not sure, nor do I really care at this point) helps you as much as it’s helped me.
I tell you these things not for your pity, but so you know that things in my life that appear effortless are very much effort-full. So, if you are also a recovering perfectionist, know that I am right in the trenches with you.
However, I wouldn’t have it any other way because it is in these broken moments I can feel God turning this ship of worry in a new direction of trust - a direction that is both unfamiliar and “feels like home” at the same time.
“Be Still” by Miki Speer
Be still and let the pressure of having to please everyone go.
Be still and let tears of frustration fall.
Be still and stop pretending to be superman.
Be still and let your muscles relax from holding up your walls.
Be still and rest in your perfect imperfection.
Be still and be messy.
Be still and let projects go unfinished.
Be still and release the self-imposed pressure.
Be still and let go of regrets of the past.
Be still and remember it’s not up to you to fix anything.
Be still and receive support.
Be still and see the love all around you.
Be still and remember who gave you those dreams.
Be still and let tomorrow be an adventure.
Be still and know that others want to bring you joy.
Be still and let your plans break apart.
Be still and trust the process.
Be still and open your heart to better options.
Be still and stop pretending to be in control.
Be still and stop asking for control.
Be still and release the burden that was never yours to bear.
Be still and see the blessings that surround you.
Be still and remember you were created to enjoy, not command.
Be still and know that your worthiness is not determined by your effort.
Be still and let your armor down.
Be still and rest in how loved you are.
Be still and remember the future is filled with things that’ll make you smile.
Be still and feel the nourishing sun on your skin.
Be still and breathe in the rejuvenating fresh air.
Be still and hear the lowly sparrow sing.
Be still and know that I am God. - Psalm 46:10
You’ve got this! I’ve got this! But in a much more real and actual sense… God’s got this.
Much love,
Miki
PS - if you want to read a book that has helped fast-track some of these revelations, check this one out.
