Now that The Healing Half Show has almost 27 (!!!) episodes filled with some amazing testimonies of loss and resilience, I wanted to share part of my own story.
With Christmas almost here, I wanted to shed some light on where my mind was at the first year after my mom died.
I was in full denial mode the winter of 8th grade. It had only been about 9 months since she passed, and yet I was passionately trying to convince myself that I was “fine.” I could see the pity in the teachers, adults at church, and neighbors eyes as they all asked how I was doing. Even though talk at school had calmed down, I still could feel a few kids look at me with sad eyes as we headed home for break.
This extra ‘attention’ was the last thing I wanted. I was (still am) super tall, and, due to feeling insecure about that, I always hated it when people gave me extra attention. Believe it or not, I used to be very shy!
This extra ‘attention’ was the last thing I wanted. I was (still am) super tall, and, due to feeling insecure about that, I always hated it when people gave me extra attention. Believe it or not, I used to be very shy!
I also was an oldest child, so I was naturally independent, so I didn’t want anyone to think I was a wounded little puppy like they kept making me feel.
And yet… I was wounded. Very wounded. They had a right to be concerned because what I went through was traumatic. I just hadn’t owned that title yet. I’m sure they knew that I was lying when I said I was “fine,” but my walls were so high up no one could get to the truth.
There were pictures still up in the house (like the one on the left), and our Christmas decorations all looked the same as we got them out of storage.
I remember seeing my moms handwriting on one of the boxes and feeling those dreaded tears fill my eyes. Of course, I pushed them away and distracted myself.
Why was I like this? Why couldn’t I just be honest with myself and everyone else? Why was I so set on being “fine” and keeping everyone at a distance?
To be completely honest, I’m not sure I will ever know. But the closest thing I can come to is that my brain was trying to protect me. It knew the dark rabbit hole I would have to fall down if I “went there.”
It knew I would have to ask some hard questions, like, “Why would a loving God let this happen?” and it knew that I would be forced to confront a reality without her, one filled with unanswerable questions, frustration, and jealousy.
I think my brain knew that I wasn’t ready to face the facts yet - trust me, they came out eventually!
So that first Christmas with extended family was spent exactly as you would imagine - avoiding any and all hard conversation topics, pretending to not notice the massive elephant in the room, and keeping myself distracted at all costs. I was “fine,” remember?
And as crazy as all of this might seem, for whatever reason, that is what I needed at that time. If my memory serves correct, I actually enjoyed 90% of that Christmas at my grandparents farm.
What probably would’ve been a positive “gateway drug” to me healing in that stage would’ve been the adults in my life to write me a note and say, “read this on your own when you get home,” and perhaps attach a book with it that encouraged me to lean into my grief.
It probably would’ve been helpful for the counselor I was seeing to point out that the anger I felt towards a plethora of things (dad dating, my body, etc.) was actually unresolved grief. But would any of that have gotten me to see the value of processing? I guess we will never know.
Of course, as time went on, I couldn’t outrun my grief. My pain needed to be processed and it came out in many ugly ways.
I eventually found a 3-step process that worked WONDERS. After setting aside time for what had been boiling under the surface for years, I went from feeling “distracted, anxious, and afraid” to feeling “grounded, joyful, and at peace.”
My prayer is that wherever you are at emotionally this holiday that you give yourself grace. Maybe your brain is saying, “not yet” like mine did so many years ago.
However, if any part of you is curious at what is on the other side of processing, I can not encourage you enough to dive into those feelings. If you know anyone who is lonely this year or facing loss from however long ago, I would encourage you to encourage them in a way that is not going to put them on the spot.
I wish I had began processing much sooner because I now can bring my authentic self to holidays and not have to worry about “embarrassing” myself by bursting out into tears (and for the record - I no longer think public crying is shameful and neither should you).
I can’t wait to talk to you more about ways to help yourself or others during the holidays soon on my show. I have a new song coming out called, “Light a Candle For Me” in two weeks that will be another resource for you to put in your toolbelt for helping yourself, or others, with grief (hit “follow” on Spotify!).
Above all the shows and songs, I hope my grief book, “My Heart Still Remembers” allows you to have a safe place to connect with your grief and that it helps you (or someone you care about) as much as it has helped me.
Thank you for taking time to read part of my story; I hope it helps you see yours in a new way and that you’re able to share it with those who need to know they aren’t alone if they have complicated emotions this year.
Take care of yourself, you deserve it!