Originally mentioned about in Episode 1 of The Healing Half.
“…. but would it be weird if I asked her to grab coffee?”
Laurie’s heart broke for a recent widow at her church. She wanted to help, but felt uncomfortable with both not knowing how to help and if her help would be received well.”
“I just don’t want to make it awkward.”
I totally get it. Not knowing how to help a griever IS awkward, but pushing past that awkwardness and actually doing something is leagues better than the inaction awkwardness causes most well intentioned people.
One of my FAVORITE cornerstone principles I talk about on my show is the “Target Theory” - aka the importance of knowing how close to someone you are, and, conversely, how close they are to you.
We in the grief community know that the cost of loving someone is grief, but we rarely talk about how the cost of closeness while living. Remember, the closer you are to someone, the greater responsibility you have to be there for them in their time of need and the more vulnerable they will (most likely) be with you.
I have talked to so many grievers who have asked the question, “Why did I get more love from an acquaintance at church than I did my own sister (brother, best friend, etc.)?” When people in the center of your target don’t show up, you notice.
So ask yourself - who is in my inner circle of my target? My 9-1-1 people? My “Oh CRAP I need help!” people?
Who would be that next ring out - the people who are your friends but not your best friends?
Lastly, who would you consider to be an acquaintance that you care about and perhaps have a great time with when you see them, but never really went deeper with the friendship than that?
Everyone else would fall under the “other” category - or, as I like to say, “people waiting to become friends” category (awww).
Back to Laurie. I told her the same thing I would tell any of you.
“Laurie,” I asked as I flagged the waitress down for the check, “Is she one of your best friends in the world?”
”Uhhhh no.”
“Have you been friends for awhile and building a stronger relationship?”
“No.”
“Have you ever even had coffee with her before?”
”No.”
“Then it sounds like she is an acquaintance who could use a gift appropriate for an acquaintance.”
Put yourself in this widow’s shoes - coffee? In public? With a near stranger asking about her most vulnerable pain she’s probably ever experienced?
What could POSSIBLY go wrong?!
Instead, consider a gift card for meals, a nice note saying that you’re thinking of her, and your favorite bottle of wine - let’s start there.
